Dear Reader, you are about to embark on an adventure that will take you to the outermost borders of one woman's quest to discover her own identity. The stories told in this blog are mostly true; however, in order to protect privacy and to make the posts more interesting, some facts might have been slightly altered and/or embellished. Please keep that in mind as you browse the blog. If, for any reason, you feel you might have recognized yourself or someone else in the accounts, you are invited to 1) remain calm, and 2) send me an email for further discussion. Thank you! Enjoy!

Monday, August 27, 2012

I only want to know one thing: is she friggin' interested?

After spending a few years reading everything I can put my hands on, discussing with other women who are in a situation similar to mine, asking questions, sharing my thoughts and experiences (or lack thereof) and, last but not least, wasting a whole lot of time into deep introspection...

After spending most of my time and energy trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me and how the hell to navigate those new waters...

I can now say I finally feel at ease with who I am, at ease with my orientation, at ease with my gay identity, and more importantly at ease with my belonging to the gay community.

And so I have decided to promote myself to the role of advice provider.

Our first topic is quite a hot one. Gawd, have I spent countless nights browsing the web for info on that topic!

If you've ever googled "is she interested?" or "signs she's into me", you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

The tricky part of it is that verbal cues have a limited informative power. Most flirting is actually non-verbal, and in the case of flirting between women, it's even trickier. Is she just being friendly?

My first trick: anything that puts a doubt in your mind should be subjected to the following questions:

Does she behave like that towards everyone, or is it just with me?
Is her behavior unusual in the circumstances (eg. is she unusually bubbly with me, or unusually sad to leave me, when in fact we've just met)?

What you want to do with those questions is distinguish between friendly behavior and flirty behavior.

Another good sign: when third parties comment on a lady's behavior towards you. If other people notice something, chances are there IS something. That's happened to me twice: an onlooker who I was very close to would ask me something along the lines of "Was this woman flirting with you or what?". Even more powerful when the woman in question is not known as gay and does not "look gay".

Now I could simply collage a list of all the answers I have found on the Internet, but that would amount to merely repeating the info other people have come up with. Instead I will only write the ones that I have personally tested, i.e. it was done to me by an interested lady, or it was done by me to an interesting lady. Ready? Here's the list:

1) Her eyes (and her attention) are on you

This is a very important one, albeit not always that easy to notice. An interested woman's eyes will be captivated by your sight... but if she's shy, or if the circumstances call for discretion, you might not realize how much she actually looks at you. If your eyes meet when you look at her, but she quickly looks down or away, it doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested. Quite the contrary, in fact. Locking eyes is powerful, sometimes too much, and not all of us can sustain it. The frequency at which you end up locking eyes, rather than the duration, should be an indication.

You might come to realize she looks at you quite a lot not from her eyes per se, but from what she tells you. One woman I had doubts about didn't seem to be looking at me that much... but whenever we talked, she always mentioned something she had observed me doing (that I had no idea she had seen), so much that I started wondering if she was secretly filming me! Moreover, a common acquaintance kept telling me "So and So said that about you"; "So and So thinks you are [fill in the blank with a positive characteristic]"; and even "I think So and So likes you a lot".

If So and So is talking about you to someone else all the time, that deserves some deeper investigation!

Now if you make it to actually talking together (and you should try and go for that as soon as possible - brake the ice before you get too nervous), look for sparks. An interested woman's eyes will sparkle when she talks (or listens) to you. (Her pupils might also dilate, but good luck for noticing that.)

She might insist on taking pictures of you, or obtaining a picture of you.

In the same vein, watch for other signs that your lady's attention is focused on you: she opens the door for you (or other signs of being a "gentlewoman"); she listens attentively to what you say, and remembers it precisely later; she seems to know more about you than you remember telling her; for some reason she always comes up with topics you are passionate about; she always hears what you say, even from a distance and while engaging with someone else; she compliments you a lot, even though you're not that close. Also, she finds you incredibly funny, and laughs at all your jokes. That kind of thing.

2) Her hands are on you

Again, this is proportional to her level of confidence and comfort. Never underestimate the power of shyness. Even in the absence of shyness, many of us have been paralyzed by our level of arousal around the one we're interested on. I have found myself chatting enthusiastically with everyone BUT the one I had my mind on. How silly is that? Attraction can ruin the best intentions!

Nevertheless, pay attention. If there is physical contact, how does she react? Does she move away quickly, or does she linger a little bit? (If she moves away quickly, it could also mean she's very nervous and not ready... don't insist. If she is interested, she will eventually come around, but it might take a while.) Generally speaking, though, an interested woman WILL tolerate (and probably enjoy) the contact. She might react to you touching her by touching you back. If you're lucky, she will initiate the contact (and then you only need to respond). It will usually start slowly, and gradually become less ambiguous. Here are examples of some of the moves I have done or that were done to me:

- removing lint (imaginary or not) from clothes
- feeling the fabric of a piece of clothing or some jewelry (and subtly feeling the body part that's under it by the same token)
- touching hair (with an excuse such as looking at the color, smelling the perfume or checking the thickness or softness - along with a compliment)
- touching skin (with an excuse such as noticing a bruise or a tan line)
- giving massages (even the sole mention of a future massage could be an indication. Once after I had done a good deed to a crush, she promised to pay me back by giving me a massage later... when we'd be alone in my tent... doesn't sound too "neutral" to me! Personally, I have promised another crush I would let her touch my muscles - in a humoristic tone of course!)
- downright (gentle) wrestling: most grown-up women don't usually engage in wrestling with each other, whatever the reason (tickling, splashing water or pushing each other in the water, rolling in the snow, "testing" martial arts, etc.) When it happens, it could very well mean there is attraction. In the same vein, playful teasing, even without physical contact, can be a sign too.

Again, for those "signs" to mean something, they have to be done in unusual circumstances. For example, my friends and I always hug when we haven't seen each other in a while. It doesn't mean anything other than strong friendship. We sometimes touch each other briefly while making a compliment. We might even put sunscreen on each other's back, without a second thought. But if it happens with someone I barely know, and who does not do it to anybody else, and who does not have a "professional reason" to do it (eg. your massage therapist or trainer), and if it keeps happening... and if I can hear the person's breathing get deeper or faster... then I might wonder what the underlying reason is to justify so much physical contact.

3) You always end up in the same place, or you always end up alone together (or you keep calling or writing to each other for no obvious reason)

When there's attraction, the first and foremost thing we want is to be in the person's vicinity, and to spend time with her, ideally one-on-one. Does that readily happen with the woman you have doubts about? Even if she's not a close friend? It might very well mean something. Just a day or two after meeting, a crush of mine and I would constantly find excuses to be alone together, even if the other people we were vacationing with were closer friends to us (we met through common friends). It sometimes meant getting up before 6 am or not going to bed until the sun rose. With another crush, it was constant - and by that I mean constant - texting. We would write to each other throughout the day, every day. It would start with any kind of excuse and we didn't seem to be able to end the conversation - ever. Would you do that with a new acquaintance if there was no deep interest? I don't think so. When you go out of your way to engage with someone in the very early stages of meeting with each other... that could be "a sign".

4) She does the typical "interested woman" moves

Those are:

- touching, playing with her hair
- putting her head sideways
- laughing in a cute way
- changing postures in such a way her feminine attributes become more noticeable (chest, legs, etc.)
- biting her lips, licking her lips, caressing her lips with her finger
- caressing her own arm or leg

If she does this while talking to you, it could very well be a sign too!

Remember - it's the accumulation of signs that leads you to confirm that a woman is attracted to you. Don't rely on just one sign. Don't over think things, either. If you have to analyze, analyze, and analyze more... you might be trying to turn insignificant stuff into signs. If you intuition tells you there are signs, there probably are. Just be honest with yourself, in order to avoid imagining things out of wishful thinking. Good luck!

Now if you want to flirt, you can follow the examples above. Also keep in mind the following piece of advice (from WikiHow - Flirt). I personally call it "Make your move... then let it simmer":

Keep your interactions short and sweet. Remember that the key to creating demand is making supply scarce, so try to limit your interactions with the object of your flirtations. Consider these limits:
  • Don't talk to him or her every single day. Make it a special event and save it for a few times a week.
  • Don't let conversations drag on for more than 5 or 10 minutes. The longer they go on, the higher your odds of running into an awkward silence.
  • Let the other person come to you. After you've put in the work of starting up the interaction and sparking an interest, pull back a bit and see if he or she seeks you out for an interaction. This can be a good way to gauge interest, as well as build tension.

Friday, June 22, 2012

To be or not to be... girly

As much as we could agree that gender and sexual orientation do not necessarily go hand in hand, one must admit that, on average, you'll find less stereotypically feminine women among lesbians, and more of them among straight women. I read somewhere that even what some call lipstick lesbians (or femmes) often have the "lesbian swagger" and/or assertiveness/confidence... which gives them away. (I personally call it "the absence of playing cute in a man-seducing manner".)

No matter what you call it, oftentimes, there IS something, and although it can be very hard to describe accurately, any good gaydar will react to it... well, most of the time. No gaydar is perfect! But if yours is in good working order, you might even be able to sense this "difference" on pictures of women you've never met. Give it a try!

I find this subtle assertiveness to be one of the most endearing characteristics of fellow lesbians, wherever they stand on the femme to butch continuum. Whether it's in her gaze, her gait or the way she moves/sits/talks, when a woman exhibits this trait, I'm immediately sympathetic... and occasionally, completely under the charm!

Apart from this one-of-a-kind self-confidence (which can be tinted by the cutest vulnerability) that being a lesbian seems to facilitate, there is a whole set of expected behaviors, demeanours and appearance-related issues that are made less overbearing simply by belonging to the gay community.

As I mentioned in my previous post, acknowledging your gay identity can indeed be very liberating, and not only sexuality-wise, but as a general process. One personal example: For the longest time, I kinda thought that "real, grown-up women" were all into girly stuff like dresses, high heels, jewelry, makeup, carefully done long hairdos, carefully crafted "feminine manners" such as the moves, the voice, the facial expressions, etc. Therefore I assumed that if I had yet to find interest in those matters, it meant a lack of maturity on my part. My analysis went something along those lines: "When I'm woman enough, I WILL find those things appealing, and they will come to me naturally. Until then, I will remain stuck in a somewhat teenagey attitude. I'll still be a kid, somewhat clumsy and a little rough around the edges." I've never considered myself a butch (what's with the labels anyways?), and nobody could possibly mistake me for a guy, but I am, at best, very neutral. Jeans and shirt kinda thing. There's certainly no frills to me.

(Despite my appearance slowly but surely drifting towards "less feminine", men keep hitting on me... what's with them? Gawd, if only women hit on me that much, I would be in heaven!)

Problem is, I AM a grown-up woman. I have a very grown-up life. A grown-up occupation. Grown-up interests. Grown-up priorities. Grown-up values. Grown-up behavior (well, most of the time! haha!). Some days, I even feel like I have - a little bit of - grown-up wisdom. On top of this, I am sincerely happy and proud to be a woman. What's going on, then?

What I am is a fully grown-up woman... who happens to have absolutely no interest in girly things. That's what's going on! And it's perfectly fine! Pressure from others (even if it's well-intended) for me to adopt more "lady-like" clothes, accessories, and demeanour, isn't gonna change anything to it. Why would I do something that feels so darn unnatural to me? With girly stuff on, I feel like a cat wearing socks (if you've tried that as a kid, you'll know what I'm talking about): anxious to get rid of them as soon as I can manage to. In girly things I feel uncomfortable and not myself. The fact that sexy dresses and high-heels look good on me and compliment my figure is not enough of a reason for adopting them, just as good grades in school is not enough of a reason to go get a degree in quantum physics. One has to feel like it. To really want it. Well, guess what... I don't feel like being girly. As for "behaving girly", it makes me feel utterly silly. In a clown kind of way. And at my age (not that I'm THAT old!), I think it's too late. If it hasn't happened yet... chances are it will never happen. And why would I have to justify myself for not being girly? Since when is it a pre-requisite for qualifying as a "real woman" or as a grown-up?

I precisely love the fact that among lesbians, girly stuff ceases to be that kind of a pre-requisite. It is accepted, but not expected. Once you're a lesbian, and even if you're well into your thirties, it's OK to embrace awesome things such as comfy shoes, plaid flannel shirts, and hoodies. Even men's clothes, if you feel like it. Short and/or mischievous hair is perfect. So are short, unpainted nails. Au natural beauty. You can sit with your legs open. You can be slightly aloof. You can do all that and still be stylish. How wonderful is that?

Of course, you don't HAVE to. But you CAN. It is widely accepted in the dyke subculture; not so much in our heteronormative society. Being gay, for once, seems to give you a right that straight people don't give themselves often enough: the right to look the way you want.

Lesbian or not, why don't you throw stereotypes to the wind, and just do what you want! Believe me, you'll feel so free and so light... you'll never want to go back!

(For more on lesbian aesthetics, check out the post by Effing Dykes. Apparently, it's all about functionality and simplicity! You can also watch this video with Kate Moennig shopping for clothes; she'll give you all kinds of tricks of the trade! And for another great article about what a lesbian looks like, go to the Autostraddle website.)

Now on a more personal note, and because I know some of my readers are just plain gossips whose main interest is to know where I'm at in my progress and crushes - don't look down! I know who you are!

... Here are some updates:

First, old crushes on Weather Vane and Dark Beauty. It's over. Completely over. I'm serious. I never thought I could say that with confidence, but they're out of the picture. Finally. (Good riddance... err, I mean, good for me!)

Second, RedHead Wonder. Awwwwwwwwwwwww RedHead Wonder. What to say. She's so cute. Unfortunately, she's also so taken. I did flirt - very lightly - with her. Just to see. I got a positive reaction (and some compliments, plus revelations about certain body parts that she doesn't show in public! Ha!), but I can't say she gave me much for my money. She does compliment me on my looks on a regular basis, but how can I tell whether it's professional (I'm getting fitter from working out and she witnesses it), friendly, or borderline flirty? There's definitely wishful thinking on my part. She seems to feel positively towards me (a common acquaintance noticed), but it's not going any further right now. I don't know, maybe she's not even allowed to flirt with people who attend the gym (she works at). And I'm not someone to try and ruin her current relationship. And I certainly don't have any energy left to turn this crush into a full-blown dramatic episode. I've done my time in that area. Ah well. I'll keep savouring the sight when she's around, I guess. Hopefully she also savours the sight when I'm around. Heheh...

Other than that I did have a "close encounter of the third kind" with a lovely person at my annual professional meeting... in fact, it was with the same lovely person as last year (please see June 2011 posts for more juicy details)... and it was very pleasant... but I think this is all this will ever be: very pleasant. "She" is not girlfriend material. We enjoy each other's presence - in many different ways, and I will not give anymore details, bunch of voyeurs - but when the meeting is over, well, it's over. Until next year? Or until RedHead Wonder finally wakes up and realizes I am exactly what she's been waiting for all her life? Pfff...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I'm a lesbian... oh, and a few other things, too

As I was browsing yet another lesbian website (one of my favourite activities these days), I fell upon a sentence that made me stop and think. It went something like this: being gay is not a way of life, but a part of life. In addition: your sexual orientation doesn't define you when you're straight... so why would it define you when you're gay? Why would it have to be central to your identity?

This made me stop and think because over the past few months/years, I have felt pretty much the opposite. I have felt as if my newly discovered gayness was one of the most important things about me. On my hypothetical personality diagram, "lesbian" has become one of the main traits. Why is that? Why should sexual orientation have to do just that... "orient" everything in one's life?

I think there are two main reasons to that:

First, because when your gayness decides to come to the surface (I purposefully use the word "decides" because I feel we have no control over this - sexual orientation just seems to have a mind of its own!), it can be so disconcerting and overwhelming that it indeed becomes central to our identity... temporarily at least. When our sexual orientation goes against everything mainstream society is telling us, we cannot simply accept it in a heart beat and go on with our everyday business. We need time and energy to ponder it, evaluate it, examine it, become familiar with its ebb and flow, and figure out how we're going to deal with it. The ubiquitous heteronormativity has that effect on gay people: for us, discovering and acknowledging our sexuality is a process full of complexities and obstacles that depend on a number of factors including our entourage's views on the topic.

Second, sexual orientation can become entangled with gender identification, especially when we first discover it. The lesbian sub-culture, just like mainstream culture, sends us all kinds of messages. When we "become" a lesbian, we start asking ourselves questions about our own gender: "So, I'm a lesbian. Is that related in any way to the fact I was a tomboy as a kid? And now, what kind of lesbian am I? Butch? Femme? Somewhere in between?" I think we all have to go through this phase where we wonder what we're gonna look like and how we're gonna act now that we don't have to follow the rules of heterosexuality anymore. For example, we might discover that part of our demeanor was not natural to us, that we simply adopted it - perhaps unconsciously - to "fit in" the heterosexual world. It can feel exhilarating to get rid of all those expectations and turn back inwards to discover what we really like and want. In that sense, I think being gay is liberating.

Then, as time goes by and our gayness slowly makes its way to our core, where it will lie confidently for the rest of our days (hopefully!), we paradoxically don't consider it to be the one central part of who we are. We can go back to being an intellectual, a fitness buff, a music lover. Being lesbian has become as evident as belonging to the human race. We don't have to remind ourselves of it constantly.

Parallel to this process is the discovery that being a lesbian does not only entail being attracted to same-sex people (physically and/or emotionally). Just as straight teenagers slowly evolve from fantasizing on every reasonably good-looking opposite-sex person who crosses their path to acquiring a healthy dose of discernment, we discover that being attracted to same-sex people does not mean they are all interesting to us. If we're an intellectual, we'll be looking for another intellectual. Fitness buffs will look for like-minded fitness buffs. Music lovers likewise. We will still look for a same-sex partner, but not any same-sex partner.

When this goes even further, not only do we become quite comfortable with our sexual orientation (to the point where we sometimes forget we're part of a minority) and discerning in our choice of partners, we also come to see the world with gay eyes, which means that we become ready to come out of the closet and live our gay life openly, just like everybody else lives openly and without a second thought. The fact that a certain proportion of the population will never understand/respect us does not escape us, but we have achieved something tremendous: we live in our sexual orientation as naturally as any straight person does.

Where are YOU in those processes?

Monday, April 23, 2012

Progress being made

I just realized I haven't written in a month now. Been busy, what else can I say?

Which doesn't mean nothing happened. In fact, a few interesting things did happen.

First, I saw the coffee shop lady again (organic food convention, remember?), and her attitude was the same as last time: insisting eye contact (with a predator look in her eye, almost), all kinds of personal attentions, etc. And she recognized me! From seeing me one time, more than a month earlier! Nice. That made me feel good about my gaydar - and hers.

Second, I activated Part 3 of the "plan to eradicate all crush-like thoughts about Weather Vane". Following a few instances of her "crossing the line", I told her I wanted her to stop touching me, and to please avoid ambiguous talk. If nothing's gonna happen between us, I cannot deal with "teasing", whether she does it on purpose or not. Me telling her that made her realize things about the feelings I have/have had for her. I was glad about that. It felt counter intuitive to ask her to not lay her hands on me or tell me things that could have a double meaning... since I have dreamed of that so much in the past... but I know it's all for the better. I feel more and more detached about her, every time I take such a step. There is hope! And I'm proud of myself.

Third, I got to spend some time alone with RedHead Wonder (always professional! don't get all excited!) and noticed a few things. She kept saying "My, it's hot in here!" and gradually peeled off a few layers of clothing. Unfortunately, she stoped just when it was getting interesting. She did, however, continue with lifting her t-shirt sleeve all the way to the top of her shoulder, and absent-mindedly caressed her own arm while talking to me. Maybe I shouldn't give this any second thought, but I have studied body language, and self-caressing in someone's presence can mean you are attracted to that specific someone. Plus, she did play with her hair, THE number 1 sign of female attraction towards their interlocutor. If she had licked her lips on top of it all (another big attraction sign!), I would have been ready to draw conclusions! Oh, and she also dropped a "I know how your body works", which instantly put a certain number of pictures in my mind.

That twisted mind of mine will get the best of me!!!

But who can blame me? RedHead Wonder is so darn cute, and entirely adorable! She even knows how to spell my name, which further impresses me since nobody else ever remembers! Who said proper spelling was not a seduction tool? Not to mention that after our one-on-one meeting, a common acquaintance told me: "[RedHead Wonder] really likes you."


But back to serious. I know that for many women, awareness of same-sex attraction begins with strong same-sex attachment that goes further than deep, intense friendship. It starts with the acknowledgement that one could end up being in love with another woman, even if, at first, the actual physical encounters seem a distant and blurry possibility. For me, it was the opposite. I accepted the idea of eventually having sex with a woman long before I accepted the idea of eventually being in love with a woman. I considered all my attractions as "crushes", nothing more. This was instrumental in what I looked for. I thought "a little fun on the side", no strings attached, would fulfill my needs, which I thought to be mostly physical in nature. I did not consider that strong feelings could arise. This obviously has changed. I now see the women I fall for not only as potential "pleasure partners", but also as potential relationship partners. Seems like in my case, the love taboo was even more difficult to overcome than the sex taboo. Maybe because a crush with benefits was less threatening to my life than actual love. Which makes sense, when you think about it.

Eventually, I came to realize that not only was I able to love a woman, I probably needed to love a woman. Temporary crushes and occasional sensual exultation are fun, but might not suffice to satisfy me. At this point I started to envision a "real" relationship with a woman.

Now, just like not everyone qualifies as a potential crush, even less people qualify as potential long-term, serious partners. I think that deep down inside, I was aware of the difference, and unconsciously pursued only those women I saw as "fun partners"... while remaining rather "well-behaved" around the ones who had more potential. In doing that I made sure that I would never end up in a situation where true love would grow. I was opening the door to adventure, but not to anything potentially serious.

As much as I have been attracted to Weather Vane (and Dark Beauty, for that matter), and as crazily strong the crush has been (especially with WV), I have a feeling that with those women, what I would get is, at best, relatively short-lived (if intense!) passion. It's not fully clear to me as to why this is. Significant similarities, yet an incompatibility of personalities if it ever came to more serious stuff? Strong attraction, yet lack of a sufficient level of admiration? As much as I can imagine those women in my arms and feel pretty darn intense about it, I CANNOT imagine having them as an actual, serious, girlfriend, the kind that I would introduce to my family if it ever got to that point. The kind that I would picture myself living with. They're just not long-term material, it seems.

I do not, on the other hand, seem to have any reservations about RedHead Wonder. I don't know her that well, but I have been around her enough to know she's got it all. The whole package. Personality, looks, etc. No major flaws that would make me hesitate whatsoever (although I'm sure she's not perfect! Nobody is!) This might precisely be the reason why I haven't really explored the possibilities with her. I see more in her than just lust. I do not think that I could realistically expect "laid-back fun and nothing else" with her. She's too good for that. Feelings would arise, that's almost certain. I also have more respect for her. Which means that as long as she seems to be happy with her girlfriend, and as long as she's not giving me clear signs of interest, I will remain a good girl.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Back on my feet

I fell kinda hard last week.

But I quickly took action. I looked around to see where I had fallen. I tried to understand why I was on the ground. Then I called for help. In the meantime I got back on my feet, dusted my shoulders, and put a serene smile back on my face.

I'm proud of how fast I came to my senses. Honestly, I feel good enough that the main reason I am writing this post today is not to psychoanalyse myself, but rather to share my experience with other women who might struggle with a similar situation.

I think I pulled the strength to do it from all the accumulated confidence I had gained by not contacting Weather Vane for months. I am confident in my ability to live happily without dreaming about her day and night. And so I made sure to find my way back to that more peaceful state.

But first, I had to let myself be carried away a little bit. So I arranged for us to have another big conversation together. This time, it was warm and intimate. Just like the good old days. We gave each other news of our lives, touched upon some very personal stuff, exchanged confidences.

Then she started beating around the bush and making comments that were somewhat ambiguous. I got all excited. Excited positively to see that she would go back to her old ways with me, and excited negatively to wonder why she was doing it, and what she was trying to tell me by doing it.

As my excitement grew, the question marks in my mind multiplied. Am I imagining things? Could she be so innocent to not realize what she's doing? To not realize what it's doing to me? No, she's more intelligent than that. Then why is she saying those things? Why? WHY?

Strong from past experience, I remembered that a head full of question marks is never a good sign when it comes to love. And so before I even understood what was going on, I took a few drastic steps to get rid of the growing excitement/uneasiness.

First, I called a friend, a friend I know I can trust, the friend I've told everything about this story in the past, and who's been wonderful at gently redirecting me, at helping me come back to earth. This friends knows pretty much all of the details, but does NOT know Weather Vane, has never met her, and most probably never will. I've never told her Weather Vane's real name or anything that would make her identifiable, but I did tell her pretty much everything else in real time. She has followed this saga from the beginning. She is very discrete, very trustable, very kind to me, yet very firm about making sure I do not get hurt again. When I asked her for her opinion and help, she was quick and efficient at intervening. She basically hugged me gently and kicked my ass firmly, both at the same time. She helped me tremendously.

Second, I deleted all the new emails Weather Vane and I had exchanged. This was the only way to make absolutely sure I would not go back and read them over and over again to try to find out what was hiding between the lines.

Third, I went for a long run.

Needless to say, I felt MUCH better.

Within a week, I lost my detachment and got it back again. All in all, this has been a very short relapse.

I am not gonna say Weather Vane doesn't mean a thing to me. She still means a lot. But I am able to see past my crush, and past her own expression of her interest in me.

Yes, she has made it clear time and again that she liked me a lot, that she cherished our relationship, that she was attracted to me, that she was very tempted by the idea of doing "stuff" with me (ahem!), that she highly enjoyed imagining what it would be like. I believe that her interest is genuine; I don't think she is playing with me like a puppet, as some straight women unfortunately do with gay women (plus, she's not straight). I give her the benefit of the doubt on that.

BUT she has also made it clear that she is not ready to go for it. I believe she is at that stage when expressing how you feel is liberating, even if you're not acting on it yet. It probably makes her feel elated to let me know that she has homosexual tendencies in general, and that she's attracted to me in particular. She probably gets a lot of excitement from fantasizing, especially when she does it "out loud" in front of me. BUT she is not ready to turn this into real life actions. At this stage, she is still a talker much more than a doer.

Knowing what I know now, I am aware that she could talk and talk and talk and take me to the highest levels of burning desire... then do nothing about it. She has it all written down, her reasons for not crossing the line: she wants to prioritize her marriage (which, given what I know about her husband's ways, looks more like a jail sentence... but that's her life and none of my business); she's not ready to "do things" with a woman (it makes her too nervous); she's even less ready for the idea of a relationship with a woman, especially if other people were to learn about it. She's 99% closeted and attached to her old, comfortable married life. (Is it even that comfortable? Again, none of my business).

I can't force her out.

Playing with the idea, she does like, but playing the real game, I think she's just not ready yet.

And as we all know, there's nothing one can do to make a fruit become ripe before its time. Moreover, pulling on a fruit that's not ripe is sure to backfire. It wouldn't taste good anyways. The only thing you can do is move back and wait. Give it some more time.

If she ripens enough, she'll fall from the tree and come to me. And I will love it. (I mean, seriously! YUM!) But if she doesn't ripen, or if she rots on the branch, then she won't come to me. There's nothing I can do about it. So I won't even try. Even if it's hard to refrain myself.

Of course, she has other reasons, reasons that go further than a mere discomfort with her potential lesbian identity. She has mentioned the consequences on "other people" if they were to find out about us. I can't deny it, there would be a lot of turmoil, for sure. But all this started with us bantering and flirting lightly... no plans were ever made for long-term commitment! So why focus on that hypothetical possibility? I am aware that laid-back fun, "no strings attached" kind of thing, can often turn into something much bigger. I am aware that it can grow to include deep feelings and all that shit... but I have always thought that we would cross the bridge when we came to it. That we would take this day by day. Wait and see where it takes us. Who knows, maybe despite the connection and attraction, we're really not meant for each other? Apparently I was more willing than her (who takes pride in being a "seize the moment" kind of person) to just go with the flow. She does know more than I do about the mess it could create, from experience. But still. Thousands of people decide that this mess is worth it. Why not her?

I think that at this point, she knows everything she needs to know. She knows enough about how I feel to make an informed choice. It belongs to her to decide what she wants (or does not want) from this.

In the meantime, I am getting dangerously close to getting an official green light from my husband to "go out and do my thing". I've always felt terrified of telling him how I really feel, but the more I let him know, the more I discover how open-minded and understanding of my needs he is. It's amazing, really. I know I'm not in for an easy ride, but I realize that I am with someone who is willing to oversee his potential insecurities for the sake of my well-being. If I could, I would thank him publicly for this.

There's plenty of female fishes in the sea. Surely there is one for me!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The more it changes, the more it stays the same

What was I saying again?

Oh ya: "Old crushes die hard".

Think again.

They don't die at all.

They might fade away if you actively make sure to not feed into them. They might appear as they're over if you work hard enough at convincing yourself.

But that's it.

Light crushes, ephemeral ones... maybe those ones do die. They kind of gradually self-disintegrate. You don't really have to do anything about them. Somehow, your whole being ends up destroying them. I have genuinely been able to spend an evening with a past crush and not feel a thing. That's when you realize it's truly over. That's when you know true, platonic friendship is actually gonna be possible. Good news, usually.

But the big, full-blown crushes, those? Oh no, they don't die. They don't ever die!

I thought this was a thing teenagers experienced. Not grown-ups. I thought I was past that stage when infatuation is stronger than anything else, stronger than reason in particular. I truly believed that in adults, reason has the last word... especially when everything seems to be working against the crush.

Well, er... no.

I can't even explain it to myself. I haven't had a satisfactory interaction with this woman in months. We've pretty much been making sure we do not interact at all. Both of us. No emails, no phone calls, no impromptu visits, and certainly no plans to spend any time together.

On those occasional times we've "had" to talk to each other, it's been polite at best. Most of the time it's been awkward, sometimes even cold. (Except for that one time she affectionately tickled my arm - why would she even do that, knowing what she knows?!? - on which occasion I pretty much self-consumed for the next 2 days.)

I have no idea what it is that she does to me. But darn, does she do it!!!

Saw Weather Vane, had a nice little conversation, can't even call it friendly or cordial. It was just okay. The first "normal" conversation in centuries, so that's a plus. But nothing to get all excited about.

I remained quite laid-back and genuinely felt detached.

Although she did touch me briefly, and she did compliment me on my look. (I had to take a deep breath.)

But later, and still today, her image, her voice, everything about her kept haunting me. What can I say, other than state the facts: she makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! I feel so drawn to her, it's not even funny! The least piece of exposed skin on her makes me long to gently touch, to softly kiss. My arms just want to wrap around her. My nose wants to get lost in her neck and become intoxicated with her wonderful smell. I want to take care of her. To look after her. To protect her, even! To take her on a big white horse and gallop together to the end of the world, for goodness' sake! What am I, Princess Charming?

Is crush even the word to describe this?

And is she ever gonna freak out if she somehow ends up reading this?


I won't even try to find an explanation. Let's keep to the evidence. Let's not waste our time speculating on why this woman has that effect on me, still to this day, after 4 years (my god, 4 YEARS!!!) of a crush and some pretty painful stuff.

There are things she's told me that make it so much harder to forget her. Like the time she said she felt all nervous and excited around me. She admitted she was not totally comfortable with those feelings. I should have replied "Passion was never comfortable, my love!"

This post only makes me feel slightly better, but at least I've tried. Thanks heavens I have the blog... how much would it cost me in therapy?!?

Hopefully it will make other people feel good, people who think they're the only ones unable to let go of a crush!

For more resources on how to get rid of a lesbian crush on a straight friend:

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Catharsis, you say?

Warning: this post could potentially disturb some readers. And arouse others. Please read at your own risk.

A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.

Nothing's happening, so at the very least, something has to be written. That's a bare minimum to keep my sanity. If I'm not doing it, I might as well talk about it.

(I've wondered if NOT talking about it might be better, and I even considered not thinking about it. But that's impossible. The longing fills my whole entity. I cannot shut it off. Putting my fingers in my ears and singing LALALALALALA! super loud does not help. Cold showers neither.)

So, today's post will answer the question "What do I like about women?"

And specifically, what do I like about women that I've discovered by being intimate with them?

(Like I said, this happens approximately every 10 years. First time(s) as "teenager experimentation" with a friend or two - or three! - but not all at the same time!!! Second time in my early twenties with the first real, big crush. Third time recently... just read my blog around the month of May-June 2011 for all the juicy details.)

So, what did those moments make me realize about women's wonderful features?

Let's start softly, with the psychological features. We'll look into the physical after.

I am not comfortable with overgeneralizing, but darn, there are some facts one cannot ignore.

1) Women are generally much more complex than men when it comes to emotions. Notice I am not using the word complicated. Complex is a more positive term. In effect, I think emotional complexity is a plus, not a minus. It's a desirable quality. (Except when it takes on "drama queen" proportions, maybe, but that hasn't been the case with the women in my life.) I like that women are aware of their own emotions and others' emotions, and actually willing to pay attention to them, discuss them, embrace them.

2) Women are generally more empathetic and caring than men. I am not gonna start on the nature vs nurture debate. But it's a fact: women tend to understand others, help others and care about others more. They show it more clearly anyways. (Studies have demonstrated that women are the ones to offer their seat to someone who needs it public transportation... male chivalry is a myth! Women also give more money to charities, even if they usually make less than men. Finally, they do more volunteer work.)

3) Women talk. I like to talk. I like to listen to someone talk. I like to exchange ideas. Women never get tired of that, apparently. They also are better at non-verbal communication (this again has been showed by studies).

I'm sure there's more, but let's go on to the physical features.

Ah, the female physical features.


(OK, NewlyDyke, calm down!!!)

Where do I even start?

Let's see.

I start by locking eyes. Already the tension is palpable. Looking at someone for more than a second either means "I want to hurt you" or "I want to F*** you". Obviously, the latter is the case here.

There is this moment when emotional and sexual arousal build up before you've even touched each other. It's accompanied by a slight uncertainty about what's gonna happen (should I kiss her now?) that makes it even more exciting.

We touch, subtly at first. We are still testing the field. We touch the arm, or the back, maybe the hand. A "neutral" body part. To touch anything else, it has to be in a playful manner, at this stage. Unless the look in each other's eyes says otherwise. Unless it's like a huge neon sign that says "Take me, take all of me, right here, right now!"

It does not really show, but we are paying full and complete attention to each other's non-verbal cues.

We move closer. At this point we can gently remove a hair strand from each other's face, or keep our hands held together for a little bit too long.

Our eyes lock again. This time it is undeniable. A kiss is about to happen. We move even closer. Or lips slowly meet each other. It is soft and plump. It tastes good. We start softly, but the giant heat wave that takes over us quickly makes the kiss more intense.

Hands are exploring more freely now. Caressing the neck and softly sliding fingers behind the ear or through the hair. It's now permitted to let one or two hands go down to the small of the back, and even lower. One or two hand(s) can also come to the front and gently, very gently grab what fits perfectly in them (I personally tend to prefer smallish-mediumish boobs, but that's just me.)

Now the hands are doing the same, but under clothing. The skin is soft. So soft! There's nice curves, and a few pointy thingies. Hands explore it all. At this point, one or two things happen: items of clothing are being lifted, unzipped and unbuttoned... and the mouth decides to join in the fun of exploring the skin, starting with a gentle caress of the lips on the neck, the shoulder, maybe the belly.

This is when a horizontal plane, ideally a soft and comfy one, becomes useful. Both bodies lie down. Similar body parts touch and intertwine: the legs, the breasts, the arms, and of course the tongues.

Skins are fully against each other. Hands and lips become reckless. There's so many wonderful places to caress, either with the fingers, the palms, the cheek, the lips, the tongue! They are reckless, but instinctively know to beat around the bush (no pun intended!) a little. Collar bone, belly, outside of thighs, are all good places to focus on now. Then of course the breasts. How could you forget the breasts?

The lower belly, hips and inside of the thighs are a great area to spend some time on, while the center of it all is becoming dangerously hot. At this point, it's good to listen for deeper breathing and watch for movements - even subtle - of the pelvis: they both mean it's time to get closer to the focal point. As the hands and/or mouth move closer, some attention is still paid to other areas... we don't want them to feel abandoned! A little pause can even be taken to refocus fully on the kissing. Lingering, when it's well paced and timed, can truly do half of the job!

Touching the focal point should elicit even deeper and louder breathing. Fingers explore, while ears listen for feedback. The outside gets attention first. We really want to warm it up. Then a finger can slowly slide inside, where it's wonderfully soft and warm and moist, while another finger - or the tongue - takes care of the outside.

The bed is about to catch on fire, and this is perfectly normal at this point.

Repeat steps until that happens.

Then spend some time in the afterglow, cuddling and enjoying the warmth still exuded by the two fully relaxed bodies.

This is what I like about women.

What about you?