I fell kinda hard last week.
But I quickly took action. I looked around to see where I had fallen. I tried to understand why I was on the ground. Then I called for help. In the meantime I got back on my feet, dusted my shoulders, and put a serene smile back on my face.
I'm proud of how fast I came to my senses. Honestly, I feel good enough that the main reason I am writing this post today is not to psychoanalyse myself, but rather to share my experience with other women who might struggle with a similar situation.
I think I pulled the strength to do it from all the accumulated confidence I had gained by not contacting Weather Vane for months. I am confident in my ability to live happily without dreaming about her day and night. And so I made sure to find my way back to that more peaceful state.
But first, I had to let myself be carried away a little bit. So I arranged for us to have another big conversation together. This time, it was warm and intimate. Just like the good old days. We gave each other news of our lives, touched upon some very personal stuff, exchanged confidences.
Then she started beating around the bush and making comments that were somewhat ambiguous. I got all excited. Excited positively to see that she would go back to her old ways with me, and excited negatively to wonder why she was doing it, and what she was trying to tell me by doing it.
As my excitement grew, the question marks in my mind multiplied. Am I imagining things? Could she be so innocent to not realize what she's doing? To not realize what it's doing to me? No, she's more intelligent than that. Then why is she saying those things? Why? WHY?
Strong from past experience, I remembered that a head full of question marks is never a good sign when it comes to love. And so before I even understood what was going on, I took a few drastic steps to get rid of the growing excitement/uneasiness.
First, I called a friend, a friend I know I can trust, the friend I've told everything about this story in the past, and who's been wonderful at gently redirecting me, at helping me come back to earth. This friends knows pretty much all of the details, but does NOT know Weather Vane, has never met her, and most probably never will. I've never told her Weather Vane's real name or anything that would make her identifiable, but I did tell her pretty much everything else in real time. She has followed this saga from the beginning. She is very discrete, very trustable, very kind to me, yet very firm about making sure I do not get hurt again. When I asked her for her opinion and help, she was quick and efficient at intervening. She basically hugged me gently and kicked my ass firmly, both at the same time. She helped me tremendously.
Second, I deleted all the new emails Weather Vane and I had exchanged. This was the only way to make absolutely sure I would not go back and read them over and over again to try to find out what was hiding between the lines.
Third, I went for a long run.
Needless to say, I felt MUCH better.
Within a week, I lost my detachment and got it back again. All in all, this has been a very short relapse.
I am not gonna say Weather Vane doesn't mean a thing to me. She still means a lot. But I am able to see past my crush, and past her own expression of her interest in me.
Yes, she has made it clear time and again that she liked me a lot, that she cherished our relationship, that she was attracted to me, that she was very tempted by the idea of doing "stuff" with me (ahem!), that she highly enjoyed imagining what it would be like. I believe that her interest is genuine; I don't think she is playing with me like a puppet, as some straight women unfortunately do with gay women (plus, she's not straight). I give her the benefit of the doubt on that.
BUT she has also made it clear that she is not ready to go for it. I believe she is at that stage when expressing how you feel is liberating, even if you're not acting on it yet. It probably makes her feel elated to let me know that she has homosexual tendencies in general, and that she's attracted to me in particular. She probably gets a lot of excitement from fantasizing, especially when she does it "out loud" in front of me. BUT she is not ready to turn this into real life actions. At this stage, she is still a talker much more than a doer.
Knowing what I know now, I am aware that she could talk and talk and talk and take me to the highest levels of burning desire... then do nothing about it. She has it all written down, her reasons for not crossing the line: she wants to prioritize her marriage (which, given what I know about her husband's ways, looks more like a jail sentence... but that's her life and none of my business); she's not ready to "do things" with a woman (it makes her too nervous); she's even less ready for the idea of a relationship with a woman, especially if other people were to learn about it. She's 99% closeted and attached to her old, comfortable married life. (Is it even that comfortable? Again, none of my business).
I can't force her out.
Playing with the idea, she does like, but playing the real game, I think she's just not ready yet.
And as we all know, there's nothing one can do to make a fruit become ripe before its time. Moreover, pulling on a fruit that's not ripe is sure to backfire. It wouldn't taste good anyways. The only thing you can do is move back and wait. Give it some more time.
If she ripens enough, she'll fall from the tree and come to me. And I will love it. (I mean, seriously! YUM!) But if she doesn't ripen, or if she rots on the branch, then she won't come to me. There's nothing I can do about it. So I won't even try. Even if it's hard to refrain myself.
Of course, she has other reasons, reasons that go further than a mere discomfort with her potential lesbian identity. She has mentioned the consequences on "other people" if they were to find out about us. I can't deny it, there would be a lot of turmoil, for sure. But all this started with us bantering and flirting lightly... no plans were ever made for long-term commitment! So why focus on that hypothetical possibility? I am aware that laid-back fun, "no strings attached" kind of thing, can often turn into something much bigger. I am aware that it can grow to include deep feelings and all that shit... but I have always thought that we would cross the bridge when we came to it. That we would take this day by day. Wait and see where it takes us. Who knows, maybe despite the connection and attraction, we're really not meant for each other? Apparently I was more willing than her (who takes pride in being a "seize the moment" kind of person) to just go with the flow. She does know more than I do about the mess it could create, from experience. But still. Thousands of people decide that this mess is worth it. Why not her?
I think that at this point, she knows everything she needs to know. She knows enough about how I feel to make an informed choice. It belongs to her to decide what she wants (or does not want) from this.
In the meantime, I am getting dangerously close to getting an official green light from my husband to "go out and do my thing". I've always felt terrified of telling him how I really feel, but the more I let him know, the more I discover how open-minded and understanding of my needs he is. It's amazing, really. I know I'm not in for an easy ride, but I realize that I am with someone who is willing to oversee his potential insecurities for the sake of my well-being. If I could, I would thank him publicly for this.
There's plenty of female fishes in the sea. Surely there is one for me!