Foreword/warning:

Dear Reader, you are about to embark on an adventure that will take you to the outermost borders of one woman's quest to discover her own identity. The stories told in this blog are mostly true; however, in order to protect privacy and to make the posts more interesting, some facts might have been slightly altered and/or embellished. Please keep that in mind as you browse the blog. If, for any reason, you feel you might have recognized yourself or someone else in the accounts, you are invited to 1) remain calm, and 2) send me an email for further discussion. Thank you! Enjoy!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The more it changes, the more it stays the same

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What was I saying again?

Oh ya: "Old crushes die hard".

Think again.

They don't die at all.

They might fade away if you actively make sure to not feed into them. They might appear as they're over if you work hard enough at convincing yourself.




But that's it.

Light crushes, ephemeral ones... maybe those ones do die. They kind of gradually self-disintegrate. You don't really have to do anything about them. Somehow, your whole being ends up destroying them. I have genuinely been able to spend an evening with a past crush and not feel a thing. That's when you realize it's truly over. That's when you know true, platonic friendship is actually gonna be possible. Good news, usually.

But the big, full-blown crushes, those? Oh no, they don't die. They don't ever die!


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I thought this was a thing teenagers experienced. Not grown-ups. I thought I was past that stage when infatuation is stronger than anything else, stronger than reason in particular. I truly believed that in adults, reason has the last word... especially when everything seems to be working against the crush.

Well, er... no.

I can't even explain it to myself. I haven't had a satisfactory interaction with this woman in months. We've pretty much been making sure we do not interact at all. Both of us. No emails, no phone calls, no impromptu visits, and certainly no plans to spend any time together.

On those occasional times we've "had" to talk to each other, it's been polite at best. Most of the time it's been awkward, sometimes even cold. (Except for that one time she affectionately tickled my arm - why would she even do that, knowing what she knows?!? - on which occasion I pretty much self-consumed for the next 2 days.)


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I have no idea what it is that she does to me. But darn, does she do it!!!

Saw Weather Vane, had a nice little conversation, can't even call it friendly or cordial. It was just okay. The first "normal" conversation in centuries, so that's a plus. But nothing to get all excited about.

I remained quite laid-back and genuinely felt detached.

Although she did touch me briefly, and she did compliment me on my look. (I had to take a deep breath.)

But later, and still today, her image, her voice, everything about her kept haunting me. What can I say, other than state the facts: she makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! I feel so drawn to her, it's not even funny! The least piece of exposed skin on her makes me long to gently touch, to softly kiss. My arms just want to wrap around her. My nose wants to get lost in her neck and become intoxicated with her wonderful smell. I want to take care of her. To look after her. To protect her, even! To take her on a big white horse and gallop together to the end of the world, for goodness' sake! What am I, Princess Charming?


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Is crush even the word to describe this?

And is she ever gonna freak out if she somehow ends up reading this?

Shit.

I won't even try to find an explanation. Let's keep to the evidence. Let's not waste our time speculating on why this woman has that effect on me, still to this day, after 4 years (my god, 4 YEARS!!!) of a crush and some pretty painful stuff.

There are things she's told me that make it so much harder to forget her. Like the time she said she felt all nervous and excited around me. She admitted she was not totally comfortable with those feelings. I should have replied "Passion was never comfortable, my love!"

This post only makes me feel slightly better, but at least I've tried. Thanks heavens I have the blog... how much would it cost me in therapy?!?

Hopefully it will make other people feel good, people who think they're the only ones unable to let go of a crush!

For more resources on how to get rid of a lesbian crush on a straight friend: http://www.wikihow.com/Get-over-Your-Lesbian-Crush-on-a-Straight-Best-Friend

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4 comments:

  1. it does seem like crushes should just die a natural death and release use from the horribleness huh? god, if only. i'm in the same boat, won't think or even feel anything about mine for months, then BAM! i get knocked on my ass.. and i'm left going what the fuck im not 16 nemore, although come to think of it, i never really had any crushes on men when i was younger, just women, even though i couldn't admit it :p

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  2. BAM! is the right way to describe this, Alice! And yes, it does feel like we're 16 again! Good news about this is that we're still able to feel passionate despite our old age (hahaha!) What I find amazing (not sure it's in a good way) about this is the power of the crush, despite my best efforts to forget about "her". My brain is screaming that it's done, screaming that nothing good will come out of this, screaming that she's not even the right person for me. Screaming that 4 years is way too long to have a crush on someone. Yet I cannot spend a few minutes with her without getting weak in the knees, light headed, warm in the heart (and "down there"). WTF?

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  3. The other good thing, too, is that after keeping a distance for months, it's easier to get back on your feet after a relapse. You've gotten used to not having her in your life for a long time. Even if her presence temporarily "disturbs" you, you're more able to deal with it. I know I don't feel the "urgency" of making something happen between her and I anymore. I am not as eager. Of course if something did happen (i.e. if she popped a vein in the brain and suddenly decided to jump on me) I would rejoyce and enjoy, but it is not as pressing a need anymore. Good luck to you Alice and everybody else who's in the same situation!

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  4. I just wanna say I love your blog. :--)

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